Lately, I have been experiencing what I call self-pity moments, you know, jolts of spontaneous attacks where I just want to push myself into a corner, dive into an oh-I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-is-happening-in-my-life-and-WHY mode, and completely shut off any incoming data reminding me of ALL the blessings I have that I should be thankful for. In short, I want to deprive myself of any optimism coming my way. You know the kind of talk your friend gives you like “hey, everything will be okay” or “dude, the grass is always greener on the other side” or “have fun…you need to go out more”…pretty much the talk I give to my friends when they reach out to me. Isn’t it easier to preach than to practice? And I know everyone handles stress differently. While most people eagerly dive into a venting session or secretly succumbed to that Haagen Dazs container in the refrigerator, I willingly crawl into a shell…a typical Cancerian habit…and that shell is my mind…where I circle around the same thoughts over and over and over again…by no means to analyze or ponder but really in a funny-kind-of-sad way to feel even more sorrIER for myself…I think...really if there was a scale that measured wretchedness, that moment would top it for me. So occasionally my friends will say “why didn’t you call me?”…and I guess…I don’t know…I mean…I deal with my misery in a non-conventional way. I want to be left alone…why? Because I think I know well…because I think I know everything…because I think I’m an extremely intuitive Cancerian…and I just feel nothing anyone can possibly divulge can make me feel better…I am the ONLY one who can deal with my own demons. And this is where damage control borderlines damage!!! Going back to practicing what you preach – so much for my preaching rite – if I don’t allow anyone to preach to me, what gives me the right to preach to anyone else? I joke about this with my friends all the time that even if I manage to follow 40% of what I preach to others, my life would soooo make sense. But I’ve realized it’s not about making sense…you’re never expected to make sense out of your present life…if you could, you would know exactly what to expect the next moment…but you don’t. It’s the past we comprehend, the present we confuse, and the future we desire. And soon this “confusing” present moment will become a comprehendible one of the past…making way for a newer “confusing” present moment. So I’ve concluded what preaching really does is fuel hope…when I preach to my friends I’m only giving them hope…and honestly, what more can anyone ask for. All we do is fish for hope…all we can do…and by not letting my friends and family in at a time of need, I deprive myself of that hope. So I have decided that my 2009…one of my 2009 new year resolutions is “to polish up my bitching skills”…I’m going to learn how to vent to my friends and allow them into my life…so in exchange, I receive hope! Who knew good tactical bitching can actually create hope!!!
…I’m not making sense…so I must leave…I guess just one of them days…
signed: Thinker-Bell
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
LiFe CaN't Be pLaNNeD
In the back of my mind, I always hoped that I would be walking down the hallway of the hospital and turn the corner to see the man of my dreams standing there in his white coat doing something doctorish…Well then life happened and what you hope for doesn’t quite turn out your way…and honestly the hospitals I have been doing my rotations at…I don’t think I would ever notice them if I didn’t have to work next to them everyday…So I had to rethink my approach to my personal life...I had to put myself out there…so I met this guy who lives here in New York…he seemed like a nice guy, attractive, tall, friendly, worked in the city as an accountant…So we talked on the phone a few times before we went on an actual first date…there were some things about him that I couldn’t quite figure out but I kept telling myself “I am giving people a chance” and so I did…I let the little things slide that could potentially become huge red flags but I was taking my new approach and there was no room for “his shoes really didn’t go with that outfit...wait I didn’t know that it was still 1995” excuses…
So we go on our first date and it starts off normal…it’s not like we are complete strangers…there are soo many things to talk about…but this could not have been more awkward…I kept trying to make conversation but he just kept looking straight thru me and then once in a while make a random comment like “your eyes..your eyes” (what about my eyes???)…The night progressed very slowly and at my attempt to be nice I maintained my smile and cheerful attitude…it didn’t last too long...I just could not take it anymore so I decided to call it a night…
I have to say the gentlemen part was yet to come because he offered to sit in the subway with me to drop me home on his way home to his parents house (honestly I just wanted to take a cab…but in his head that would mean he would have to pay for it…and apparently that was not included in his budget) I insisted that it was no problem…I go home at this hour all the time…it wasn’t even close to midnight yet…yet he was persistent about dropping me off so we get on the subway…I don’t know what it is but I guess there is something about me and subways…people just feel comfortable about saying whatever they like to me…so we sit and he begins his life story…yes his tragic, full of obstacles and challenges story…I mean ok maybe if we were married for 50 years and he was on his death bed and he really just wanted to get all this off his chest…I could understand him sharing…but I have only known you for five minutes…So the red flag is beyond obvious now…its soo obvious it was lit on fire! In my head…I immediately went into exit strategy mode…how am I to escape this horrible situation as quickly and painlessly as possible…so we get off at my subway stop and thank God my apartment is 5 blocks down so I tell him…thank you soo much for bringing me this far…that he didn’t have to but now I can go on my own...my apartment is a walk and I don’t want him to have to walk all the way there since he is already at the subway station…and then I basically bolted out of the station!
Then ofcourse the next day I get a phone call…and if it was Mr. right...I would have been ecstatic that he called me the next day...but seriously it doesn’t take a genius to know that it was the worst date ever…I just looked at my phone and pressed ignore…he called a couple of times throughout the week and I know maybe I should have picked up once and just told him I am sorry I am just really busy but I couldn’t even do that…the mere thought of having a conversation with him made me want to curl up in a hole and never come out…
Then I get the text message of all messages...he tells me how he thought I was a nice girl but that I am not…in fact I am ungrateful to the fact that he accompanied me on the subway and that he knows now why I am single…that regardless of this he will still pray for me because I am his sister in Islam...and the final thing (my favorite) good luck finding your sorry husband!!!!
All I could think was “PSYCHO”
What an experience….but hey it’s my life…it’s not too hard to believe it happened to me…(sad, I know :))
Then the other day I was in a clothing store with my friend when I see a long finger pointing at me saying “YOU” I look up to see him…and he continues “I am not talking to you anymore” and then disappears…hmm in the middle of Manhattan with millions of people all around…of course I would bump into him!
I couldn’t help but laugh…
signed: Macky
So we go on our first date and it starts off normal…it’s not like we are complete strangers…there are soo many things to talk about…but this could not have been more awkward…I kept trying to make conversation but he just kept looking straight thru me and then once in a while make a random comment like “your eyes..your eyes” (what about my eyes???)…The night progressed very slowly and at my attempt to be nice I maintained my smile and cheerful attitude…it didn’t last too long...I just could not take it anymore so I decided to call it a night…
I have to say the gentlemen part was yet to come because he offered to sit in the subway with me to drop me home on his way home to his parents house (honestly I just wanted to take a cab…but in his head that would mean he would have to pay for it…and apparently that was not included in his budget) I insisted that it was no problem…I go home at this hour all the time…it wasn’t even close to midnight yet…yet he was persistent about dropping me off so we get on the subway…I don’t know what it is but I guess there is something about me and subways…people just feel comfortable about saying whatever they like to me…so we sit and he begins his life story…yes his tragic, full of obstacles and challenges story…I mean ok maybe if we were married for 50 years and he was on his death bed and he really just wanted to get all this off his chest…I could understand him sharing…but I have only known you for five minutes…So the red flag is beyond obvious now…its soo obvious it was lit on fire! In my head…I immediately went into exit strategy mode…how am I to escape this horrible situation as quickly and painlessly as possible…so we get off at my subway stop and thank God my apartment is 5 blocks down so I tell him…thank you soo much for bringing me this far…that he didn’t have to but now I can go on my own...my apartment is a walk and I don’t want him to have to walk all the way there since he is already at the subway station…and then I basically bolted out of the station!
Then ofcourse the next day I get a phone call…and if it was Mr. right...I would have been ecstatic that he called me the next day...but seriously it doesn’t take a genius to know that it was the worst date ever…I just looked at my phone and pressed ignore…he called a couple of times throughout the week and I know maybe I should have picked up once and just told him I am sorry I am just really busy but I couldn’t even do that…the mere thought of having a conversation with him made me want to curl up in a hole and never come out…
Then I get the text message of all messages...he tells me how he thought I was a nice girl but that I am not…in fact I am ungrateful to the fact that he accompanied me on the subway and that he knows now why I am single…that regardless of this he will still pray for me because I am his sister in Islam...and the final thing (my favorite) good luck finding your sorry husband!!!!
All I could think was “PSYCHO”
What an experience….but hey it’s my life…it’s not too hard to believe it happened to me…(sad, I know :))
Then the other day I was in a clothing store with my friend when I see a long finger pointing at me saying “YOU” I look up to see him…and he continues “I am not talking to you anymore” and then disappears…hmm in the middle of Manhattan with millions of people all around…of course I would bump into him!
I couldn’t help but laugh…
signed: Macky
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