Lately, I have been experiencing what I call self-pity moments, you know, jolts of spontaneous attacks where I just want to push myself into a corner, dive into an oh-I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-is-happening-in-my-life-and-WHY mode, and completely shut off any incoming data reminding me of ALL the blessings I have that I should be thankful for. In short, I want to deprive myself of any optimism coming my way. You know the kind of talk your friend gives you like “hey, everything will be okay” or “dude, the grass is always greener on the other side” or “have fun…you need to go out more”…pretty much the talk I give to my friends when they reach out to me. Isn’t it easier to preach than to practice? And I know everyone handles stress differently. While most people eagerly dive into a venting session or secretly succumbed to that Haagen Dazs container in the refrigerator, I willingly crawl into a shell…a typical Cancerian habit…and that shell is my mind…where I circle around the same thoughts over and over and over again…by no means to analyze or ponder but really in a funny-kind-of-sad way to feel even more sorrIER for myself…I think...really if there was a scale that measured wretchedness, that moment would top it for me. So occasionally my friends will say “why didn’t you call me?”…and I guess…I don’t know…I mean…I deal with my misery in a non-conventional way. I want to be left alone…why? Because I think I know well…because I think I know everything…because I think I’m an extremely intuitive Cancerian…and I just feel nothing anyone can possibly divulge can make me feel better…I am the ONLY one who can deal with my own demons. And this is where damage control borderlines damage!!! Going back to practicing what you preach – so much for my preaching rite – if I don’t allow anyone to preach to me, what gives me the right to preach to anyone else? I joke about this with my friends all the time that even if I manage to follow 40% of what I preach to others, my life would soooo make sense. But I’ve realized it’s not about making sense…you’re never expected to make sense out of your present life…if you could, you would know exactly what to expect the next moment…but you don’t. It’s the past we comprehend, the present we confuse, and the future we desire. And soon this “confusing” present moment will become a comprehendible one of the past…making way for a newer “confusing” present moment. So I’ve concluded what preaching really does is fuel hope…when I preach to my friends I’m only giving them hope…and honestly, what more can anyone ask for. All we do is fish for hope…all we can do…and by not letting my friends and family in at a time of need, I deprive myself of that hope. So I have decided that my 2009…one of my 2009 new year resolutions is “to polish up my bitching skills”…I’m going to learn how to vent to my friends and allow them into my life…so in exchange, I receive hope! Who knew good tactical bitching can actually create hope!!!
…I’m not making sense…so I must leave…I guess just one of them days…
signed: Thinker-Bell
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