DiDn'T c ThAt CoMiNg...

Life is full of surprises! We all know that, no surprise there! YET how many times we find ourselves saying out loud, “oh crap! I didn’t see that coming!” Well guys, being 31 years of age living single in one of the most crowded cities of this nation, I didn’t see ME coming!!! I never thought in a million years that I would be where I am right now…at this moment…single, working, struggling, procrastinating, confused, overwhelmed…forget that, NEVER did I imagine I would be SINGLE (period)…!!! Of all life’s mysteries, this one undoubtedly remains a surprise, a mystery! Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way implying that I make a “great catch” but exactly where does the answer to this mystery lie??? I’m still searching…I mean c’mon I’m Pakistani, we don’t last “fruitless” for this long!!! In my desi world, I’m practically approaching menopause…I mean desi girls I graduated high school with are well on their way to granny-hood! And where am I? rather you don’t ask…if I only knew it would’ve been this challenging to find a good, healthy, fine, breeding desi mate, I would have at least paused to reconsider the ones I puked on…before I got here…the other day, I almost picked up the phone to call a guy I had refused to collaborate with on any level a couple of years back. For all I know, he was proly dead/married/whatever but as I sat there, I began to think: is there anyone I can reconsider…possibly recycle??? Hmmmh

Lemme familiarize my non-desi clan with what it’s like to be our kind in this day n age. Dating is fairly a recent LOB (Line Of Business) for us folks…you have to know, our parents and their parents and their parents before them would rather walk through fire than DATE!!! We practiced what is called the art of Arranged Marriage (would you believe friggin Wikipedia has a definition for that, HA!: An Arranged Marriage, also called a Prearranged Marriage, is a marriage arranged by someone other than the persons getting married, curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship). COURTSHIP!!! Yes, my new faaavvvv word…I love it!!! Anyhow, there was utter absence of courtship and frankly speaking, I’ll be fooling myself if I didn’t admit this is still true to this day. Abstinence from sex is one thing but abstinence from courtship altogether is another and yet, courtship is impermissible in many families even today. You are given one…two if you’re damn lucky…“meetings” to decipher the secret code, will this equation x+y work? Of course with times a changing, mentalities a shakin, we’re now entering the dating zone but remember , you end up dating men/women who are raised in homes where the union of a man and woman before marriage is still considered an anomaly. So even if you think this potential man/woman you’re out on a date with is advanced (term used to describe human types who have conveniently transitioned into and adopted certain lifestyle elements of the western civilization), you may just never know!!! You may just never know that the man you’re having a fine dinner with at P.F. Chang’s probably appreciates you for taking the time out of your busy day to meet with him yet doesn’t help but wonder “hmmm if she showed up to meet with me on a brink of a phone call, wonder how hastily she approached other men before me…she definitely looks like a “fast” type to me”…and must I say if you happen to be a well-dressed, decent-looking, intelligent, independent, and self-assured woman, the rush to judgment on his part is quicker than the speed of light. And so they begin to gear conversations in an attempt to justify their theory: “so…have you met anyone before me?”…okay, I’ll look like America’s most UNwanted if I answer NO to this question so of course I’m obligated to answer “of course, I have…” (pause)…“so… how come you haven’t found anyone special yet?”…“well, just haven’t really clicked with anyone, u know” (pause)…“really? That’s weird…in all your 31 yrs you’re saying you haven’t really clicked with anyone?” (oh crap! What have I done here, he must think I have a haunting alter-ego) “welllll yeeeeaah I did one time but it didn’t work out” (pause) girls…you just eFFed up BiiiiG time here, YOU just admitted to a desi guy that he isn’t going to be your FIRST one, do you realize what you’ve done???!!! You’ve opened up a whole new can of worms…do you have any idea what’s going through this man’s head right now??? “Oh I bet she was physically close to him…see…I knew it…the moment she showed up I knew she was the “fast” type…and this just proves it!” You just gave him a reason to re-consider you as a possible mate…OR a reason to just play cautious according to his standards…which means the antennas are up and be ready for some cross-questioning…but then again, if you had decided to skip the matters entirely by not accepting the invitation politely, you’d have to hear “Why can’t we meet? Don’t your parents allow you to date?” saying to themselves in the mean time “God, this larkee (meaning chick) is such a paindu” (meaning an old-fashioned individual deviant from the practices of the modern culture). So you see, we’re screwed either way, be or not be, we’re eFFed!!! Many of us can’t even get through a simple date without feeling the urge to lie or deceit or simply hop around an issue. Because we cannot absolutely afford to be judged! And why should we be? Truthfully I may seem like the dominant type who insists on getting things done MY way but sincerely, I’m NOT…I can go with the flow just like any other desi woman out there, local or international…I’m just as understanding and compromising…than why am I subjected to such criticism???

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not shying away from questions or asking for preferential treatment here. I lurve conversations, intellectual discussions, BRAINgasms as I like to refer to them. And I would lurve to find out as much as I can about you so dude, it’s your god-given right to get to know me and ask me all sorts of questions…by all means come forth…HOLLA…ask me questions about my life, what I like to do, what I look for in a guy, what drives me, what makes me itch, what makes me smile, asks me my thoughts on fellow democrats BUT don’t really bother too much with where and with whom I’ve been before you UNTIL you can handle what I have to say! Why is it that my past relationships with men are steering you away from me? Why does the existence of men in my life before tonite bother you? Did you really think my life was bare naked until your highness walked in? of course I’ve dated before, who knows, I might have had serious relationships before…yeah…short or extended…and please be my guest, ASK about them…if you intend to use that information to get to know me more and appreciate that I’ve made all the right/wrong decisions in life to get to where I am knowing the point where I am is here…with you…live this moment…make it worthwhile…if I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t be here…simply…but don’t ask if you can’t handle “sharing” me…and please don’t let your insecurities flow through your veins while you boast about sleeping with some random white chick during college…don’t really care if it was just innocent sex…or a mistake…LOOK at me…you see me smiling? It’s not nice to hold someone to standards you yourself don’t exceed or even come close to. It’s not fair to stamp someone’s past as extra baggage while consider your own a mistake/a learning phase.

But then I pause to wonder, should I even be questioning my desi man? I mean does he really realize what he’s doing or not doing? If he doesn’t know any better, should he be punished at all? See, what I’m trying to get to is it’s not fair to hold someone accountable for something they’re not even aware of. I sit here and think and think and think and think over n over n over again and realize maybe, just maybe, the problem doesn’t lie in the way our parents think or within our society or within the realms of our cultural taboos or with men in general (once again thinking out loud here but feel free to disagree). Maybe there are no obvious problems here. Maybe it’s just US…maybe I’m the epitome of the NEW generation desi woman. Are we the generation representing the First of its kind? Are we the guinea pigs of our society, subjects of a new experiment…of life and times? Are we the generation that has no predecessor? I have no predecessor, I don’t know about you…I have no one like me to look back on and learn from…I have no means to measure myself, I have no frame of reference…which means neither does he…he’s not ignorant or arrogant, he just doesn’t know ME well enough YET…see my life doesn’t come with surprises…I AM THE SURPRISE!!!

Boy, I didn’t see that coming…

signed: Thinker-Bell