FiRe AwAyYyYyY

So…today was “let’s fire someone” day at work!!! I come in…uh hmmh…stroll in at 7:45 a.m. to see this email from our CEO:

“Good morning,

Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend!

As of Friday, S and D are no longer employed with OUR COMPANY. It’s important that we move forward as a team and get ready to hire two more amazing team members. Team COMPANY is a strong team and the best team I know. See you guys soon.”

Well…what can I say…I’ve been here long enough to know any email that begins with “Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend” spells t.r.o.u.b.l.e…it’s like reading “Heyyyyyy! If you thought today was going to be just another relaxing day…well guess what??? PUNKED!!!” I mean seriously…we are now officially the Martha Stewart of BAD Corporate hiring decisions. Our new slogan: “Be all that you cannot be!” Just over the last year, we have lost 12 people guys!!!??? Those were not 12 BAD people, they were 12 MISfit people. I am about to write an email to Marcus Buckingham (author of Now Discover Your Strengths), should he need some real-life stories to talk about on bad hiring decisions, he should definitely HOLLA at my CEO, first chance, no kidding!!! I’m not trying to bad-mouth my company y’all but I’m no CEO, I’m just an average girl from the ghetto trying to weed my way through Corporate America, and if I can manage to smell an unfit hire in the first few days, then why can’t my CEO smell it too??? I mean she only got what, a 20-year head start on me. And the icing on the cake -- we were served breakfast tacos this morning, a FEAST!!!??? Surprise!!! Let’s have a taco toast to the ones we fired today…CHEERS!!! OH that sucks…

So…as I gulp down these damn good tacos during our painfully dragging Monday morning meeting, another shocker…I mean heyyyy, this just keeps getting funNER & funNER by the minute:

(E = Employee)

E1: I just spoke to this brilliant guy JOHN DOE for one of our clients…he’s awesome! I’m so excited about him {with a big smile on his face}
ELEPHANT: (remember? Queen of personal shyt at work!) WHAT? JOHN DOE? OMG if he’s the guy I think he is, OMG, he totally looks like a serial killer--
E1: Uhhh...
E2: What do you mean?
ELEPHANT: a a a a a a a don’t get me wrong…I mean he’s the sweetest guy y’all, so adorable over the phone but kid you not, in person, he’s scary, reminds you of a serial killer you know the guy from what’s-his-name movie Con-Air, remember that Native-American looking guy with tattoos all over…OMG…he looks JUST LIKE HIM
E2: Who?
ME: John Malkovich?
E3: No not him--
ELEPHANT: oh oh he was also in Quentin Tarantino’s movie with all those vampires with George Clooney in it--
ME: oooooooo him...welllll no he’s not that scary looking, is he? (I figured I’ll keep adding fuel to this fire to make our conversation last longer, I mean, it was either this or our flash report…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
ELEPHANT: OMG YEAaaa…he’s scary if you’re the only one in the room with him. I mean I’m serious a a a a a a if you saw him, you would run back into your room and lock the door--
E4: oh WAIT!!! Was this the guy that E5 picked up from the airport one time for one of our client interviews and she was so scared she called me from the car, said she totally didn’t want to be with this guy all alone by herself during lunch, and WAIT did she not drop him off at the restaurant, ran to her house to pick up a knife???!!! OMG E5 carried a knife through the lunch I remember--
E2: Dude, we need to background check this guy?
E1: (still mesmerized over what he just ignited) wait…wait…can we background check him on that? I mean…isn’t that profiling?
E2: No dude, I mean if you’re scary looking with tattoos all over, you’re not a protected class I’m sorry---that’s not profiling…ha ha ha ha (fake laugh…oh I despise E2’s Dr. Evil laugh)
S: (poor S, he’s no longer here) How about we trick him into answering our questions like hey dude, how you do you make a shiv??? Or what’s the best place to stab a person at night???
E2: ha ha ha ha (fake laugh…again...ugggggghhhhhhhh)
ELEPHANT: Oh yeah…totally…I mean I’m sorry but what can we do…I mean he’s had jobs in the past but we need to do some serious OTR on this guy (OTR = off the record)

{Long pause}

E6: okay guys…here’s a brief recap of our numbers…all of you have a copy of our flash report--

ME: {timed out} {gone} {day-dreaming}

signed: Thinker-Bell